The White Stripes, a crush and a lesson for life.


Besides all the Darkwave, the Gothrock, the EBM, the Industrial, the Metal, the Jazz, the 70s Rock, the Batcave and the Psychobilly… The White Stripes and their dirty, violent, direct style will always be one of the most defining sounds of my most formative years.

And while I did also love Icky Thumb, and while Blue Orchid is probably my favourite song by them, Hotel Yorba and Dirty Leaves and, yes, Fell in Love With a Girl, all share a sound that I will forever miss.

Fell in Love With a Girl holds a true, special place in my heart.

It was a… Tumultuous time for me, romantically, when I was introduced to it.

The person who introduced me to that song, a dear friend at the time with whom I’ve sadly lost contact through nothing but attrition, time and distance, that person was there for me when I was going through a /heavy/ crush. A really fucking heavy crush. A “Let me drive to Cologne for a chance to have tea and listen to three songs with her.” kind of crush.

And several months later, I would sit in a car with said friend. We would sit besides each other in silence, while he would drive towards his place, where my car was standing. We were both at a loss for words.

It took him some time to get up the courage to glance at me and say: “Matt, I… I had no idea!”
And it took me a few heartbeats to close my eyes, sigh and answer: “Yeah. I gathered.”

And then I chuckled. And he nervously joined. And then we kind of started laughing.

Because we were just driving home from her place. My crush. The ephemeral, beautiful, witty and amazing Mareille. We had spent the whole weekend together (and another friend, who had left slightly earlier.). A perfect summer’s weekend. In fact, it was the day she took these two pictures of me:



And on Sunday evening/night, only her and Andreas and me were left. We retreated to her room and cuddled up together and she showed us her pictures from her trip to Arabia a few months ago.

Let me now state a few shortly relevant facts:
I was crushing on her /hard/.
Andreas knew this, and was there to support me. He had been creating opportunities for the four/three of us to meet and for him and Michael to give me and her space and time to talk. (In actuality, he was hugely amused by it all, and found it “cute as hell”.)

Got that? Okay. Let’s continue.

So, it was a warm July/August kind of night and we were in her room, cuddled up and looking at pictures when I… Notice something.

Andreas is kind of uncomfortable.
Mareille is visibly not.
Mostly because she kind of started to inch nearer and nearer to him, and to give… Signals, for lack of a better word.

After a few moments, I sighed internally, and announced with a smile: “Hey, I’m going down to the kitchen to make some tea, you guys want some too?”

Her eyes lit up and she smiled at me, thankfully, honestly. She nodded. She said: “The usual. Please…” (She said “please”, but it sounded a lot like “thanks”).
Andreas eyes went slightly wide and he started: “You don’t have to…”

Yes, yes I had.

I flashed him a grin, stated: “Black for you, alright.” and went down.

It was two floors down to reach the kitchen. (It was a… Big house. Outskirts of Cologne. Old artist’s community.) Down there, I sat down. I sighed. I banged my head against the heavy, solid, wooden table a few times. Then I started reading a few pages from a novel I found down there. I let… Some time pass.

I then made the tea, let it cool a bit, and went up. Slowly. Slightly louder than usual. Announcing myself.

When I got up, they were holding hands. Both happy. Both smiling. Both slightly embarrassed. (Although, as I very soon learned, Andreas had quite a bit of extra embarrassment to deal with.)

I handed out the tea, we moved near the window, sipped tea, listened to Dead Can Dance, watched the stars and continued to talk about the kinds of things good friends talk about.

A few hours later, I was in his car. During the moment I mentioned earlier.

I told him, truthfully, that I wasn’t mad. If she wanted him, she wanted him. And, yes, it hurt. It hurt like a motherfucker. But it was… It was also so goddamned hilarious. He didn’t want to get together with her. He didn’t plan for it. He did all he could to help me get a chance with her. But in the end, during all this, she fell for him.

The heart does, as it wants. :) [Addendum: What I learned for later life here? Never wait. Never waver. Never /assume/. If you fancy someone, if you love someone, if you are interested in someone, be it romantic or platonic… TELL THEM! Don’t be afraid. Don’t hesitate. Tell them. Be honest. Don’t creep. Don’t hide. Don’t play games. Clear, honest communication: Always the best way to deal with things. Always.]

Fast forward a few weeks. It’s the end of summer. Still warm, still awesome, but the nights start to carry a colder edge with them.

I was at Mareille’s place, alone this time. Adreas was gone because of his studies, and she’d soon be travelling to the UK for a few weeks, and we wanted to meet before that. I also brought her a dear-to-me T-Shirt. A limited edition Shadowrun Mailing List “Never Deal With a Dragon” t-shirt. It was both parts a gift and a good luck charm. And quite a bit of “don’t you forget about me” baked in.

It was a truly wonderful evening. I… Well, I wasn’t really “over” her, but I had learned to deal and cope, and I was healing. It didn’t hurt being with her but not being able to /be/ with her. It just lent it all a very sentimental/melancholy edge.

Shortly before I had to leave back home (I had University at 0800 the next morning, and it was already 0100, and I was one hour away from home…), a thought struck me. I still don’t know why I decided to say what I said next:

“You know what, Mareille? Even after the huge crush I had/have on you, you and Andreas make a cute couple. I’m happy you two ended up together.”

Blood fled her face. She started at me, mortified. And she then whispered: “You… Had a crush on me?”

And I just blinked back at her, stupifed for a few heartbeats. Not knowing how to respond. Total, stone-cold silence between the two of us.

“… Yes? Don’t you remember the walks we took that I planned? The times I asked you out for movies? All these time I got earlier to our GURPS sessions just to spent a few minutes with you? The looks I shot you? The braindead, happy smile I had on my face every time I could spend time with you?”

It seemed that she got paler still. “No… No! I didn’t… I didn’t realize. I didn’t know. It’s… I… I had a crush on Andreas the whole time.”

I blinked again, and just started laughing. She had a crush on the oblivious guy who had been helping me to try and spark her interest. The whole time. It was a “love at first sight” kind of think for her. He hadn’t seen that. I hadn’t seen that. And she hadn’t noticed my fumbling attempts at trying to attain her grace.

She didn’t know what was so funny, so I told her. And she snickered too.

And then we hugged. She said she was sorry, and she meant it.
I told her she didn’t have to be, and I also meant it.

We remained friends. Close, good friends. No jealousy, no bullshit. Until she had to move away a country too far for her studies. The distance, and a mental darkness inside me (university related depression), tore us apart, sadly enough.

But the time we had, we spent as friends. From start to end. We shared laughter and tears and hugs and playful punches and the most amazing, night-chewing discussions and arguments and dialogues. We danced together, we roleplayed together, we watched movies together, we ate and drank together, we lived a part of each our lives together. I even helped pick out her amazing, vintage, graduation dress. It had tassels. And a bow. And she looked fabulous in it.

And that’s why Fell in Love With a Girl will always be a special song for me. For a whole damn year, it was the song silently being played by a manically laughing deity, whenever they deigned to zoom in and focus on my attempts to gain the attention and attraction of an amazing person I had fallen in love with. It was the song I had been introduced to by the guy she actually ended up being involved with.

It’s the perfect mix of bitter-sweetness, melancholy and downright hilariousness. :)

And, as always, it’s great to remember your past. It’s NOT great to try and hide from the present and future while attempting to escape back into it… That’s a lesson that needs to be constantly applied. So, after listening to this song? Go and also listen to Blue Orchid. Because progress is good, too.


Justice never wavers
It is my single purpose
Relentless the pursuit
I will find you where you hide
Counting on your indecision
Deciding when to strike
Calculating movement
The senses of the chase

– VNV Nation / Retaliate

She checked her internal chrono again. The fifth time in the thirty seconds. The waiting started to irritate her. Bloody fuckers, someone should teach them proper punctuality. she thought, while unconsciously cycling cycling through her pistol’s ammunition reservoir. Even though she hadn’t intended to do this, it still brought a smile to her face. Enough matter for three-hundred shots of APDS or one-hundred flechette bursts. You just have to love Outremer technology.

Before she had the chance to tinker around with any other settings, the door she had been watching finally opened and vomited out two persons into the street. “Vomited”, because for a short time they were silhouetted by a bright light and surrounded by harsh, loud music. This only lasted for a few heartbeats until the door closed again.

During the few heartbeats that this lasted, her SAI had scanned and processed the faces of the two people now out on the street. Both were now framed in red rectangles. One flashing, the other muted. With a fierce grin, she stepped out of her hiding place and fluidly, and oh so calmly, put a bullet through the forehead of the one person framed by the muted red rectangle. She allowed herself the small pleasure of synchronizing the shot with the muffled beats from the establishment behind the two marked ones.

The other one had just enough time to reach for his own weapon before her pistol was firmly pressed to his temple and a sharp edged knife drew a small rivulet of blood from his neck, when she placed it there with vicious speed.

“Do. Not. Even. Think. About. It.”, she hissed into his ear. His eyes widened.
“Vi…”, before he could finish whatever he wanted to say, she thrust her knee into his groin, putting all her augmented strength behind it. He went down, vomiting and quickly falling unconscious.

“You slimy piece of shit. I will add this pair of boots to your crime-sheet.”, she spat out while looking down at him. Releasing the tension of the last few hours in a loud puff of air, she shook her head and opened a commline to her ship and sub-vocalized a short message: “I have two parcels to handle, one destined for cold storage, one for the locker. Acknowledge.” The answering click-click arrived mere seconds later, making her frown. She opened the line again. “Syl, I swear, if you are risking my ship, I will hurt you!” This time, the answer wasn’t a click on the commline. Instead, the area around her was illuminated in harsh, blinding light.

“Me, risking your precious Cœur-de-Lys? I’m not stupid, Vicky.” The grin in the other woman’s voice was hard to ignore. “But I thought that you’d perhaps need some clair support. Seeing as ‘risky’ is a more apt descriptor of your oh-em, y’know? So I brought the Mule.”

The Mule was a small, brutish, hauler craft. It was heavily armoured, heavily armed and very fast. At the same time, it was almost impossible to maneuver it in any way that could be described as ‘graceful’. And right now, it was circling around the gothic spires of Sigmus City, most probably giving some civilian flight controller a rage induced, apoplexy.

“It’s VICTORIA, Syl. Victoria. Not Vickie. You know that I hate that nickname.”, Victoria sighed into her mic, while tying up her still-alive prisoner. With a hint of desperation in her voice, she continues. “I put up with your other contractions all the damn time, so please… At least grace me with my proper name?”

With a loud crash, a cargo-container affixed to the the Mule by a thick strand of nanocables hit the street a few meters away from Victoria, just as she had finished her last sentence.

“Y’know that it’s hard for me. That stupid memus…”, Sly stopped herself. Took a deep breath. “Meme. Virus. The meme virus is being a bitch and refuses to clean out o’my system.”

Victoria huffed as she hauled the two bodies into the cotainer. Not with effort, thought. This was a huff of indignation. “Please!”, she snorted while looking up at the Mule, closing the container and punching it twice. “Yeah, you hate it when it forces you to say stuff like “clair support”, but you were calling me ‘Vicky’ waaaay before we met those prankster-psychos.”

With a snap, the nanocables went tight and the container was lifted up into the Mule’s open cargo compartment.

“Mh. Might be. Might’nt be. I plead innocence!”, Sly shouted, with a smile. A few moments later she sobered somewhat and continued, “I’ll meet you back at the spaceport. Don’t dawdle. …Vicky.”. With a laugh, she cut the connection and proceeded to turn the Mule into the right direction.

Victoria watched her friend fly away with tonight’s work.
Amateurs. I am working with a bunch of crazed amateurs.
She turned towards the city’s main streets and started walking towards the nearest Taxi-stand. And a smile grew on her face.
But they are my crazed amateurs.


Outremer, n.

1. The area to the galactic “north” as seen from the Sol System which hosts the mysterious ‘Communality’.

2. (former usage) Unexplored Space

3. (archaic) An area beyond the sea


“The Communality”

A collection of humans and four alien races that was discovered one-hundred-and-seventy years ago.
How those humans reached the stars before the rest of humanity remains a secret.

The aliens of the Communality still remain the only sapient life humanity has encountered.

Cultural, political, technological and economical contact and exchange between current human space and the Communality is heavily restricted and guarded by the Communality itself. The humans residing in it present the diplomatic point-of-contact to humanity and refuse to side with or support any of the current factions.

Jason Matthew Thirsk, this one’s for you.

Or, rather, because of you, you old, dead bastard. Rest in peace.

I recently listened to Bro Hymn again. And Bro Hymn… Bro Hymn was the song to one of the most magical nights in my early 20s.

So, first, listen to the song.

The lyrics are simple, but to the point. And I fully agree with them. Well, not… Fully. It should be a “Sis Hymn” for me. So I simply declare all my close and wonderful female friends to be honorary Bro’s! Mr. Stinson will oversee the ceremony. And I’ll have to make sure to keep him away from all of you afterwards. … You all rock. :)

“When you’re feeling too close to the bottom
You know who it is you can count on
Someone will pick you up again
We can conquer anything together
All of us are bonded forever
If I die you die that’s the way it is”

This is me. To you. As it always was.
And as I could always count on you.
Thank you.
And to another ten years.


This one night.

2002 or 2003 or even 2004. I know I was single then.
A Thursday.
It was a punk/hardcore night at the Saint, my favourite club.

I was there with some friends from school. Again, all female, as my male friends at that time were kinda… Introvert.
It weren’t even close friends. But they sure as hell knew how to party.

There was also… This other girl. Woman.
About as small as I am. But fitter. And hugely more attractive. Dreadlocks, long and blonde. A grin to die for. Khaki cargo-trousers. Multi-coloured shirt. White scarf. Black Boots. And moves… By the stars… She could move.

As the night went on, we came closer in the mosh-pit. We threw ourselves against each other. And shielded us from others. We danced closely. We hugged. We kissed. We shared a drink or two. We moshed and danced some more, with all the energy someone has at that age. … And we didn’t share a single word. We didn’t speak. We just… Watched. Moved. Danced. Smiled. Grinned. Bowed. Thrust. Pulled. Bit. Scratched. Pushed. Moshed.

And it was a magical night.

When it was time to go, she pulled me to herself and gave me a long, warm kiss. I responded in kind. We hugged. Smiled. Bowed. And never saw each other again.

I came away with multiple scratches, uncountable bruises and a bit, bloody lip.
And until those went away, I treasured their pain. This pain was a reminder of this night. All that bonded me with this woman. This… Magical creature of the night.

And they faded. Some quickly. Some slowly. But they faded.
And in the end… It was just memories.
And it’s now ten years later, and the memory remains.
The memory of connection, of closeness, of a shared moment.

It’s a blessing and a curse.
A blessing, because it was simply one of the brightest moments in my life.
A curse, because it’s damn hard to NOT compare any other moments to this one. Also… The identity of this mystery woman is something that won’t let go of me. I wonder… Always wonder.

With this, though…
Remember your magical moments.
Your dream nights.
Your magnificent days.

And smile. :)


Losing someone you really, deeply, fully care about sucks. It fucking SUCKS.
And all you can do is to sit tight and wait and hope that maybe, perhaps, hopefully, they won’t be gone forever from your life.

Excuse the lack of updates

I’m shuffling between two flats right now and am stressed because of the move, my sister’s birthday and unrelated work-stuff.

Regular updates should resume as of Wednesday next week. Until then, there will be sporadic updates only.

Also, have some awesome soundtrack tunes for one of the best games of last year.

Sometimes things strike later than you think.

We now have 2012. I’m thinking back to 2004. With help of a song released 1994. I could’ve waited two years, but then, well… I wouldn’t have had anything to write today and, let’s face it, I would have most probably forgotten my thoughts on this one until then. I mean… Two years. Huge swathes of stuff can happen in two years.

Anyway, 2004. A long-distance relationship. Several long-distance friendships. Those things began then.
The relationship also ended then, sadly enough. The friendships, for the most part, survived. Some are sleeping now. Some I… Cut. Some are active as ever.

But the relationship ended.

It was intense. It was wonderful. It was filled with excitement, much travel, great sex and interesting people.
It was also, as sad as I am to say this, build on a broken foundation.

We both entered into it with different goals, different states-of-mind and different assumptions.
And we both failed to fully communicate those as we spent most of our communication with more positive subjects.
So when the blow came, it came down hard. Even though I was the one who had been “dropped” it still was hard on both of us.

It was a really sucky time. It was a really sucky situation.
And yet… It made me grow and rise to the occasion and appreciate happiness more.

It wasn’t all bad. It wasn’t even mostly bad. It was mostly great. With a big, fat, unhappy ending.
But the memories? They will remain. And they are good memories. Strong memories.

Like these two songs.

Same Band. | Stone Temple Pilots.
Same Year. | 1994
Same Album.| Purple

I love Big Empty. I really do.
It’s a song that I dream to. I remember to it. Bittersweet memories that coax smiles, regrets, grins and a sense of terrible sadness.
And its mood is so terrifyingly good. It’s dark, it’s sweet-yet-heavy, like a bittersweet honey. It’s serene yet powerful.

But the Interstate Love Song has its high-points, too. It fits the year the most. And hits both of us at the same time.

Today: Something really new.

I was driving along the A2 tonight, when I heard a short snippet in a local radio show which showcased new music for a new year.

There they told me of 2:54. That’s the band’s name.
They were created by two sisters from Britain, they play late-80s influences post-punk/shoegaze, wear smeared mascara and black leather jackets and the band’s name is taken from a moment in a Melvin song that the two sisters found particularly striking and which happened at, three guesses and the first two don’t count, two minutes and fifty four seconds. The radio reporter than voiced something that I thought at that moment: “If that’s not nerdy, I don’t know what is.”

And, yes. It is.
It is exactly the kind of nerdy that I love and adore.
It’s also coupled with the kind of music I love and adore.

So when I got home I started googling “2 54”. Which… Took a while, to be honest.
That’s not exactly a term you can easily search. It almost reminded me when I first googled for the Vin Diesel movie “XXX”. THAT was a fun search. ;)

Anyway, I found them a little while later and simply purchased the EP. Sound unlistened.
And it was 3€ well spent.

So I will give you their first song.
And a link to their page.
And if you use iTunes, go and purchase their EP.
It’s just 3€ and it’s very much worth it. It’s good music. It’s new music. It’s fresh music. It’s charismatic music. And it’s music made with love and soul.

So, here you go.
Watch. Listen. Enjoy.

2:54 – Scarlet [Scarlet EP] | 2012 | Post-Punk/Shoegaze

And if you want to see what kind of music and style influences them, go their tumblr and listen to their posted music. If it makes you think of me… Well, that should tell you why I REALLY Like them. ;)

The song they are linking to as I’m writing this post?
“Depeche Mode – “Blue Dress” (violator LP Montage)”
And I can’t tell you how AWESOME that is.

You can also listen to their EP, for free, here:

Me, out!
You, have fun!
Good night!